Yea, yea I know. I never post! It has been well over a year since I last felt the need to write something for the blog and here we go with a post that has nothing to do with being a Redcoat. Or does it? Have these last three years of my life managed to teach me something? Have they actually changed me?
Here recently I've been doing a lot of contemplation about my life and where it is going, and to be quite honest, these contemplations have returned rather negative. I am 22 years old, living at home, working a job that barely pays for gas, and just getting by in college. I honestly don't have a clue as to what I am going to do once I finally graduate, and the idea of having to figure it out terrifies me. It really does feel like I have spent the last 4 years of my life (my college career so far) setting myself up for the most epic failure of all time. Oh but how people will respond to these feelings! "But you are brilliant, I mean you are at The University of Georgia! Also, you must be talented because you made it in the Redcoat Band! I don't see how you could feel unsuccessful!" I can hear the voices ringing now. However, I must ask what will I have to show for these accomplishments December 13, 2013 when I graduate? A piece of paper with my name on it and some stupid/funny/crazy/odd stories of Redcoat trips? What will that buy me?
One of the biggest failures of my life is my relationships. I know what you are thinking, "Oh crap here he going whining about not having a girlfriend..." and you are partially right, but you also are missing the true sentiment. Even my friendships suck. Everyone I know sees just a part of me and that is all they want to see. My church friends see me as the musician and youth Sunday school teacher that I am on Sundays and Wednesdays. My work friends just see me as some random guy who hates his job and wants nothing more than an excuse to no longer work there. Finally, my Redcoat friends mainly see me as a middle tier musician (if not bottom tier) who happens to be at every event. It is really irritating that all of my friends fit into tidy little groups like this because it leads to one really sad fact, no one truly knows me. On the whole "girlfriend" side of relationships, it is even worse. I am able to act in a way that is acceptable to some particular types of girls, but then I look at them and realize that they are just going to get me in trouble, but then when I decide to straighten up and find myself a 'good' girl, they won't have anything to do with me. It is maddening! Most recently, I met this incredible girl. She is pretty, talented, funny, and a little (a lot) geeky. We hung out (with a group of mutual friends) and had a great time. Then I learn that she has a boyfriend (just like every other girl that I have ever been interested in... I'm cursed) so I stop getting close to her to avoid being hurt and in the process I do something stupid (which I will not go into detail about on the internet) and she looks me in the eyes and says "I do not approve of this." (I kid you not, direct quote) and that just broke me. Here she is, the girl of my dreams, and all I can do is to do the one thing that she hates most. I don't know why, but those six words just cut me really deeply and made me question... well basically everything.
So, I know what you're thinking "What did he learn?" so here it is in TL;DR format. I need to get my life together and stop messing around. I need to be more transparent and actually let someone in to my life and stop being afraid of being hurt. If I don't, I'm going to be a very lonely person sitting alone at home after work clinging to my degree and saying "BUT I WAS A REDCOAT!"
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